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Sakın yazma bana | mecaziyasam

Sakın yazma bana

“Talat, çok yazdın bana” dedi.
Şiir yazdın, öykü yazdın, her sabah uyandığımda gördüğüm ve sensiz günleri daha katlanabilir kılan bazen de canıma okuyan ufak ufak notlar yazdın bana. Bazen hemen gidişinin ardından buldum bu sözlerini, bazen de günler sonra. Sürekli yanımda olamasan da yaptığın süprizlerle, ufak tefek şeylerle hep güldürdün beni. Bazen cebinde şıpsevdi sakızlarıyla geldin yanıma bazen de elinde albeni çikolatasıyla. ufak tefek şeyleri çok iyi biliyorsun sen; ufak tefek şeylere kırılmasını da ufak tefek şeyleri yakalamasını da senden iyi yapan yok. detaycısın, detaycı.. bazen de bırak detayı, bütünü bile kavramak istemeyecek kadar umursamaz.
En güzel benzetmelerimi artık sana yapıyorum, kafamdaki taslakları hemen senle paylaşıyorum, sen omzuma yaslandıgın zamanlarda onları geliştirmeye devam ediyorum dediğini hatırlıyormusun? Masandaki yazı lambası gibi ortak etmiştin beni düşüncelerine. Ben sana “Anlamıyorsun talat beni” dedikçe sen tekrar tekrar anlatmaya hem de estetik kaygısı güderek bana sayfalarca dil dökmeye devam ediyordun. herkesten daha fazla bana anlatmaya çalışıyordun kendini. bu bi ikna etme çabası değildi. sadece görmemi istiyordun ruhunu. kendimi, sana o kadar borçlu hissettim ki yazdığın ilk mektubu okuduğumda. ben de bişeyler yapmalıyım dedim. anlatmalıyım kendimi ona. yazmalıyım… evet bir deste kağıdı buruşturup çöpe atacak kadar uzun sürse bile yazmalıydım. süreç içinde bütün hissettiklerimi, yemek yerken ağzım dolu olduğu için söyleyemediklerimi, eve gidince “tüh şunu söylemeyi unuttum” deyip sensizken aklıma gelenleri, sen salonda televizyonun başında sızmışken benim senle çok paylaşmak istediğim (uyandırmaya kıyamadığım) zamanki şeyleri sana yazmalıydım. Ben de senin yaptığın şeyi yapmalıydım: Ruhumu sana miras bırakmalıydım yazdıklarımla…

Kız arkadaşım karşımda konuşurken bir an onun gerçekten bu dediklerini yapacak olması ihtimalini düşündüm. MR çıktılarında en ince kıvrımlarına kadar gördüğüm bu beynin hala bana söyleyip beni şaşırtacak ne kadar çok sözü vardı kimbilir. Biraz korktum. Bilinmezlik korkusu işte. Sonra o hala karşımda konuşmaya devam ederken bir film karesi düştü kafamdaki beyaz perdeye.. ve deli emin’in sözleri tekrarladım içimden usulca. yazma bitanem. Yazma!

tuuba – yazarım sana.

emin – yazma! o zaman.. o zaman bekliyor insan. e buraya çok az insan gelyor. çok insan gidiyor. e, kalan da hep bekliyor ama bazen çok uzun bekliyor. yani hani mesela zannediyorsun ki, bir yoldan birisi gelecek. boş uzun bir yol. devamlı ona bakıyorsun. sonra hiç bir şey gelmiyor. yazma sen.

tuuba – ben seni hiç unutmayacağım.

  • Moskof

    hayatının degisik yerlerinde hic beklemedigin anlarda karşına cıkıcam şimdi oldugu gibi aradıgın güc icinde adım 'moskof' bul beni…

  • http://www.mecaziyasam.com Talat

    Evet moskof, gerçekten hiç beklemediğim bi andı ve çok şaşırttın beni :) Ama rahat olabilirsin. Ben de seni bulacağım ve şaşırtacağım bi gün..

  • Gokhan

    enteresan…