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Amacı Hatırlamak | mecaziyasam

Amacı Hatırlamak


Geçen gün düşündüm, taşındım, -hatta yalan yok- biraz da kaşındım ve blog ile ilgili yolunda gitmeyen bir şeyler olduğunu fark ettim. Google Analytics raporlarına gözüm takıldığından beri bunu hep düşünüyorum da bi sonuca bağlayamadım. Bu yıl bazı imkansızlıklardan dolayı bloga çok zaman ayıramamıştım ama şimdilerde zamanım olduğu halde yine eskisi gibi davranmaya devam ediyorum. Bunun sebebi biraz hamlamış olmam kuşkusuz. Lakin gayret göstermezsem herhangi bir gelişme olmayacağı da açık. Bugüne kadar hiç okunma kaygısı gütmedim diyebilirim ama yine de aşağı doğru kıvrılan bi analytics raporu blogunu seven hiç kimsenin koşuna gitmiyordur.
Tabi bunlar işin teferruatı. Beni asıl rahatsız eden şey bu günlüğe çok ihtiyaç duymama ve yazarsam rahatlayacağımı bilmeme rağmen bunu yapmaktan çekinmem. Daha önceleri yaptığım gibi günlüğümle dertleşmek bana çok iyi gelecektir. Ama gözümde büyütüyorum bu durumu. Bu sefer dinlenmenin baskısı beni samimi yada cesur olmaktan uzaklara savuruyor.
Ama her yıl bu blog için yaptığım ödemelerin sebebi ne populer olmak, ne de insanlara bişeyler öğretmek. Keşke yapabilseydim onlar da güzel şeyler tabi. Faydalı olmak isterdim mesela. Ama zaten çok büyük bi derya olan internet ortamına benim yapacağım katkının çok büyük bir aydınlatma yaratmayacağını düşündüğümden bu noktaya da çok eğilmedim. Benim amacım kendimle ilgili. Biraz bencilce gelebilir ama hala burayı ayakta tutmakta ve arada bir yazmamdaki tek sebep daha iyi hissetmek. Blogumun yegane amacı bana iyi hissettirmek ve yazmazsam bu iş zor. O yüzden beklentilerinizi biraz azaltın dostlar. Ben yazmak istiyorum. O kadar zaman sonra geldin de bunu mu yazdın demeyin bana. Ben onu-bunu, aklıma gelen herşeyi yazmak istiyorum.
Dertleşmeye ihtiyacım var ve eski günlerdeki neyi olursa olsun, hesap yapmadan buraya dökerek hafiflemek istiyorum. Çünkü nereden geldiğimi, hangi yollardan geçtiğimi anlatan bir yol haritasına ihtiyacım var. Malesef ki ben kağıtları çok çabuk kaybediyorum.